FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE:
1. ShopKo.
2. Arbys.
3. Lifetime.
4. Teleperformance.

FOUR JOBS YOU WISH YOU'D HAD:
1. Writer.
2. Dancer.
3. Crime Scene Investigator.
4. Actress.

FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN:
1. She's the Man.
2. Friday.
3. The Dreamers.
4. Harry Potter.

FOUR CITIES YOU'VE LIVED IN: I suck..
1. Ogden, UT.
2. Roy, UT
3.
4.

FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH:
1. The O.C.
2. American Idol.
3. Isaac Mizrahi.
4. CSI

FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION/TRAVELED TO:
1. All over Montana
2. Columbus, OH
3. Hollywood, California
4. Niagra Falls, New York

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS:
1. Mexican
2. Italian.
3. Chinese.
4. Anything Chocolate.

FOUR THINGS YOU WON'T EAT:
1. Most kinds of fish.
2. Snails.
3. Mushrooms.
4. Brussel Sprouts.

FOUR THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD EAT OR DRINK RIGHT NOW:
1. Diet Pepsi
2. Hot Chocolate
3. Vodka
4. Orange soda

FOUR THINGS IN YOUR BEDROOM:
1. Bed
2. My Cat, Bella.
3. Books.
4. Dog and Cat hair.

FOUR THINGS YOU WISH YOU HAD IN YOUR BEDROOM:
1. A hot boy other than #4 or perhaps, both.
2. A headboard.
3. Tons of clothes
4. Chris Daughtry

FOUR THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Blue Hoodie.
2. Pink and White striped pajama pants.
3. black slippers.
4. pink ring.

FOUR PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
1. England
2. New York City
3. Costa Rica
4. Seattle

FOUR PEOPLE YOU’D REALLY LOVE TO HAVE DINNER WITH:
1. John Candy
2. Dane Cook and Ryan Reynolds
3. Chris Daughtry
4. Rascal Flatts

FOUR THINGS YOU ARE THINKING RIGHT NOW:
1. I need to get my ass of the internet and go work out.
2. I have a birthday party in less than two hours.
3. Feeling kinda lonely.
4. I wish the radio would play Golddigger. I love that song!

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE THINGS:
1. Friends
2. Books
3. Fall
4. New Years Eve

So, I am another year older today. Its hard to believe that in two years I will be thirty. Yikes, right? All my life I have looked forward to being an adult, having my own space, car, job, money, etc. I have all that now, and even though it feels awesome, I really just want more. Im thinking of going back to school, probably Weber State, just coz its close, and something probably in Sociology or something. I want something that I am going to be able to use when I am done and I would really love to be a mentor for young girls. I want them to know that beauty isnt only skin deep, that everyone is beautiful in their own way and that you dont have to be a size two and 5 foot 5 to be considered normal and acceptable to people. I saw this last night and I couldnt help but wonder, why do we all have such an obsession with being gorgeous? Why is it that we have to paint ourselves up, curl our hair and starve ourselves just to be what society thinks it the norm? Celebrities are thinner than ever and all because they have to be to get jobs. And the sickest part of it all is that our kids are seeing this and thinking that it is OK. That is is how they themselves need to look. I mean seriously, even I fall into that trap. Granted, I was in serious need of losing weight, because I was just really unhealthy, but I look at certain celebrities and people in general and see that they have this or that that I dont and I think how nice it would be to have legs like that or a stomach like that. Problem is, especially if you watch that video above, those things arent real, and in fact, very few people actually acheive the perfect body. And if they are "lucky" enough to get it, they have to kill themselves in the gym 3 to 4 hours a day. I dont know about you, but I work out 30-60 minutes 5 days a week and thats plenty for me.

So all this to say that I want to do something with kids. I really think I want to leave Utah eventually, go someplace where I can be involved in something great, but who is to say that I cant start something up here? I have alway wanted to open some kind of kids camp, where they can lose weight effectively and healthfully and incorporate some confidence building strategies. I want kids to know that they dont have to have alot of money, fancy clothes or be super think to be liked and productive in this world. I wish I would have had that when I was growing up. Anyway, thats my plan.

Later, yo.

Yes, I am home alone on a Friday night. All my friends are losers. Actually, I guess I am technically the loser since I am the one sitting home alone on a Friday night. But its ok. Im not mad. Im not even a little sad. I, not even bored. Ok, maybe I am. But just a little bit.

Was going to see if someone wanted to go see the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie tonight, but...no one is free. Was going to see if the fam wanted to hang out but...no one is free. Was going to watch TV...but cable is out. Guess I could pop in a DVD since I really cant think of anything better to do, and Ive already been to the gym. Yeah, its Friday night. I know...

Its funny - Ive never really been the dating type. I think its probably coz I never really had the self esteem to actually go out with someone. Plus, you know what they say about you get back what you put out there. Needless to say, I never really put myself out there. Since losing 56lbs though, it seems like I am dating more people than I know what to do with...

Right now, I am going to call it "hanging out", which, lets face it - is just a way to date someone without the hurt of rejection or sting of being dumped if its not going particularly well. Anyhow, dated a couple of guys recently. One I know, is sort of just out of a relationship. And there's the whole feeling of rebounds and uncertainty. Eh, I dunno. I just am not sure if its all that deep of a connection. Although the boy is very sweet and cute. Another guy, one that has been out of a relationship for a while, well, we have some stuff in common and we had a pretty nice date the other night...I am just not sure if its anything more than physical. Blah...who knows? I have my share of issues with rejection and shit too. What to do about it? Again, who knows?

Two different friends want to hook me up with two different guys as well. Hmmm...when did I become such a babe magnet and isnt dating several guys at once kind of random and a little overwhelming? I mean really, who needs more than one guy to try and please? My brain hurts.

Night, Porkchops.

Having a reflective moment here. Allow me to elaborate. Strictly speaking, I think I am a pretty good person. I mean, I have my faults, hell, I have a lot of faults. In relationships, I tend to move too fast, run my engine out of gas, end up disappointed and discarded. Of course, I have done the discarding on occassion. Who hasnt? Yeah, I have my issues, and quite frankly, I used to make excuses for those mistakes. Not anymore. I know who I am - or at least who I want to be - and I am becoming that person. On all levels, I think I am a pretty great person. I have a few attributes that are greater than others, but over all, a nice package, I would claim.

So what makes me so worried about rejection? I dont mean in relationships only, either. I mean, I am smart, funny - some would differ with me on this one - I am loving, kind and pretty nice looking. I am bettering myself every day, but for some reason there is a fear of it not being enough. I will never be thin enough, pretty enough, witty enough, or politically intellectual enough. Enough, enough, enough. Blah...

What is it about the human psyche that produces feelings of inadequacy? Is it our parents fault? The media? It all started somewhere...

I have a picture in my mind of what the perfect woman would be like. The one with the great job, husband, life, house, etc. She would look like Elizabeth Hurley or Charlize Theron, of course. She would get up early with her perfect husband, who by the by looks like Keith Urban or John Travolta, make his lunch, lay out his clothes, and then wake up the kids to get them ready for school, all while looking impeccably beautiful right out of bed, and still be able to keep a neat and tidy house while still working as an executive at some ritzy advertising agency. She would leave love notes in her husbands car and her kids would never have to wonder what Mom was making for dinner, because at promptly 7pm everynight there was always an awesome meal on the table. She would read her kids bedtime stories while wearing designer clothes and she would still have time to make her husband feel like the luckiest bastard in the world by giving him as much sex and attention as phsyically possible.

Here's how I always felt as a wife or girlfriend: Impossibly late with dinner - was the steak cooked right? - Did I look fat in this outfit, was my hair as cute as possible, did I have time to pick up the drycleaning before going to the store? Were my legs shaved? Where did that stain on my pants come from? Hurry home, cant be late, or the questions will start. Was I attentive enough? Should I have faked it? Why is basketball the only thing we ever watch???

Was it just me trying to be super wife? Do guys really expect this of women? Should we expect it of ourselves? In our jobs, do we all feel this same sense of disconnect? Do we really need to be the best at what we do? Can we be? Does it really matter?