Should I Take the Fall or the Stairs?

2009-01-12T20:30:00.000-08:00

I think I have gallbladder issues. I have been suffering from all sorts of horrible stomach pains and shit this past week. I guess it actually started like, Christmas Eve, but I dont really know how bad it is. I cant afford insurance right now, although I think I may need a scope. On the up side, I havent been eating a whole hell of a lot, so I have lost 4-ish pounds or so. I havent been puking, although sometimes I feel like it, so I know I am losing some sort of weight instead of just water, which is nice. I have been watching what I have been putting into my pie hole though, which hasnt been too hard since everytime I eat something really fatty or spicy I get the urge to tear my guts out through my belly button. Plus I have been belching. A lot. I know. Lady-like and all that, right? Sweet.
Completely off the subject of gas and disembowelment (but really not too far from the mark, in my opinion) I started back to school last week and really, it has to be said, that I would like to punch my Computer preofessor in the choker. He really rambles about shit that we do not know(or remotely care) about. The next time I hear the words Linux and Firefox, I am going to chuck a pencil at his head. This is a basic computer class required for a general which seems completely pointless, not to mention redundant since I have already taken Office Professional 1 & 2 and if I cant tell the difference between my asshole and a PC, I am pretty much fucked.

...Seriously.

2009-01-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

So...Ive gained so much weight since I met Mister Amazing. I mean, when we started dating I was seriously like 35lbs from goal. Now...lets see...I havent gained it all back by any means, but I have decided to lower the goal so now having gained so much back, I now have about 80lbs to lose to get me to the goal weight of like, 160. Eeeps! Thats a buttload of weight. But I am sitting here today - on a snow day - should have gone to school, its my first day back after the holiday break - and I am looking at all the pics from when we were dating and the wedding and I am thinking to myself..."why the hell did I ever let myself gain this weight back? Aargh!"

So I am thinking that since I have a new gym membership and that I have this amazing husband and my goal is totally do-able...what the hell am I waiting for? To gain back the other 40lbs that I havent put back on yet, so that I can start all over again? Hell to the no. I will be damned if I let that happen again.

I am starting at a new salon on the 1st of February and I am determined to lose as much weight as I possibly can between now and then. Even if its only ten pounds. I am definitely getting pregnant next year and I do not want to be fat only to get even fatter because I will be pregnant. I want to be able to work out throught my pregnancy and stay in shape so that I dont gained a bunch of weight that will be harder to get off after the baby comes.

Tonight starts a wholw new biggest loser too. I know that I can lose weight just like everyone else, I just have to put my mind to it. I lost 70lbs once and I can do it again.

2008-07-08T16:11:00.000-07:00

Wow. Alot has happened since I last posted over a year ago. I think I might take this up again. So, remember that post about how I met Mister Amazing and thought he was amazing? Well, he was. And he still is. We've been married almost 3 months now. I am in school, doing nails on the side and trying to get my business up and running as a sex toy distributor. No I am not kidding. In short, my life is pretty amazing right now. Its about time!

2007-03-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

I live in a cubicle. My boss lives in the cubicle behind me. I face away from him, he faces my back. I often try to talk to him through the cubicle walls, since I can hear him as clear as day, and he, well… simple sentences like “I have a stomachache, I think it’s the vegetables I’m eating,” become, he: “What? You saw a purple squirrel?” Me: “Sigh. I hate vegetables.”

Three hours later, I’m munching away on evil, evil vegetables (I am pudgy, and I have a whole mess of trips in my future in which I’d like to wear my favorite not-pudgy pants).

“…and yet you’re STILL EATING THEM,” drifts through my cubicle wall. I pause in my munching.

How can he hear me chewing, but he can’t hear me speaking? Whole Foods, please look into quiet carrots and hushy sugar snap peas.

Back in a sec, I need some of those peanut butter cookies I saw at the other end of the building.

Five minutes later, I’m reading something in dead silence. He: “Huh? What’d you say?” Me: “I didn’t say a thing.”

2007-02-27T11:25:00.000-08:00

So, I guess my promise to post more kind of, um...went unkept. Lets see..Last time I posted it was Valentines day. I wasnt really expecting anything spectacular, and I was right in not doing so. I got off work and drove to CC's - forever now known as Mister Amazing - place, pulled my very girly Valentines bag - complete with pink tissue paper - out of my back seat and walked to his front door. I dont think my heart could have been beating any harder than it was right then. I mean, seriously, we had only been dating for a little over a month, and even though I didnt want to seem overly thrilled - I totally was - that I had a Valentine for the first time in three years, I knew I would be disappointed if he didnt get me something. I didnt spend much, $20 on a shirt from Old Navy that he had commented on when we'd been there earlier in the week. But still - I wasnt sure if $20 was a little too much to spend on someone you werent sure about. When I went inside - he was on the phone and so I let myself in - I set the heart emblazoned bag on the step upstairs and went down into the basement. He was at the computer, talking on the phone and his back was to me. I caught a glimpse of something furry and brown on the desk in front of him, but busied myself with plugging in my almost dead cell phone and waited for him to finish his call.

When he finally hung up - it seemed like an eternity, but I am sure it was all of two minutes - he came over to me, thrust two bears into my hand and gave me a quick kiss, asked how my day was and told me he was sorry that it wasnt much, but money was a little tight since Christmas. I thanked him and looked down at the bears. I was a little disappointed. The price was still on the bears, a total of roughly nine dollars was spent. Now, I am normally not the type for expensive gifts, I really couldnt care less what you give me as long as it took some thought. And more than anything, I was freaked the shit out about how he would react to getting a shirt. From me. Someone he had dated for a month. I wanted to run up the stairs, grab the bag and run out to my car, pull out the card and go back inside. A card would do the trick. $2.50 meant a whole lot less than $20 and a $2.50 card that I had written, "I am really glad I met you! XOXO" in. But I didnt. He asked me where I wanted to eat, and since it was 7pm on Valentines day, I really didnt think there would be any place to eat. We got into my car and drove around and around, in search of someplace to go. Finally we agreed to just get fast food and head back to his place. Then, shining like a beacon in the night was a little place called Moore's. Its a cafe style place, kinda like Denny's but smaller and it has a real homey feel to it. Being the fact that it wasnt fancy, or expensive, it was pretty much deserted. We parked and went inside. It was dimly lit and there were little hearts and cupid's arrows confetti's on all the tables. Candles were on the tables and the waitstaff was very friendly. Over the course of the next hour, I completely forgot about the two bears and the fact that he really didnt seem affected by me giving him a shirt, he didnt see the car in the bottom of the bag, and that we werent in some over priced restaraunt. We laughed, alot. He isnt bothered by the fact that I am divorced once and on my way to the second. He held my hand and opened doors for me - something he usually does anyway.

People have always said, when you meet the right person, you'll know. Once you meet "the one", you will know. Well, I dont know about all that, but I do know one thing. That night as we spent the night together and he looked at me, held me close - I knew that I was falling for him. He cant spell and he cant keep his house clean, but he is amazing. He is everything - almost - that I have ever wanted in a man. He is stable. He can fix cars. He is amazing at what he does for a living. He is kind. Sexy as hell. Sweet. An amazing cook. He is a guys guy. Loves football and basketball, but will change the station if I ask him to. He will watch Everybody Loves Raymond, although he detestes the show. He snowboards and skis. He loves camping and his family. Honestly, there really isnt anything I dont like about the man.

And every night before I go to bed I take the two bears from their permanent home aomng my pillows and sit them on the nightstand next to me until morning. When I put them back again.

More Importantly: What Snow bank???

2007-02-14T14:48:00.000-08:00

Reported from The Spectrum.com in Cedar City, Utah

While assaulting his female passenger with the blade of a saws-all, a Cedar City man was distracted and drove off the road and into a snow bank. When police arrived and noticed the blade marks on the woman's leg, they arrested the man. The driver began to yell at the woman informing her that he would kill her and burn down her house if she told the police what had actually happened.

Um, it hasn't snowed in weeks! And this is Southern Utah. I am in Northern Utah and I haven't seen snow since New Years Eve.

Spills and Chills

2007-02-12T13:16:00.001-08:00

Sorry for the lack of posts, peeps. Its been a crazy couple of weeks. So let's get to it, then.

When I started getting text messages from RB telling me that I was his 'girlfriend' and that as such I was expected to cook food for 8 people for the Super Bowl party he was throwing, I was a little put off. First of all, we'd only gone out a handful of times and furthermore, we'd only actually been out - where he spent actual money - like, once. And even then, I think he got the money for that from his mom. Naturally, I thought 'whatevah, dude' and since I had already made plans with my own family for the Super Bowl - something I am not normally into, but for the sake of the guys I am dating, have been trying to get into football. Not because I am that kind of girlfriend, but because I think that if I actually knew what was happening on the field, I might actually like football. So I told RB that I wasnt going to be able to play hostess to him and his friends and he freaked out. That is just one example of a time when I was 'blowing him off' for another engagement when there were no plans made with him in the first place. He would blow up at me, tell me I was being 'rude and immature' and the next day he would call me as if nothing at all whatsoever had transpired and want me to come hang out. I am all for giving people a chance to redeem themselves if they have acted like a jerk, but seriously? I think he is bipolar or something. I mean, really, kid. Take a pill. So, in short, I just couldnt handle the drama. If we'd only been hanging out two weeks and he was already resembling Glen Close in Fatal Attraction - minus the breasts and blond hair - I wasn't looking forward to any kind of relationship with this guy.

On the flip side though, things are getting interesting between CC and I. He is super sweet and really just a nice guy. PLus, he's cute and he has a life. I dont feel bad when I want to do things with my friends, because he either comes with me, or he doesn things with his friends. We've been spending pretty much every Friday night together and seeing each other at least once or twice during the week. I even met his family this past Saturday. Its weird, because he really is the most normal person I have ever dated. Its kind of like I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am just waiting to find that big bag of hair in his closet or to find out that he has some weird fetish or something. So far, so good. And the romance and sex departments are fantastic too. Once this weekend things got a little out of control in the bedroom and I fell backwards, feet over head off the bed and landed naked on the floor. And again in the shower, the curtain came down and water went everywhere. We laugh. Its really cool. Plus, he is a killer cook. Mostly fattening stuff, but he makes a mean omelette.

2007-01-29T15:51:00.000-08:00

So, RB is out. Without going into too much detail, because A) I just really dont care and B) Its a waste of my time, he is completely unstable. Oy. What a weirdo. On the upside, I had some major lovin' from CC last night. He left me with a kiss, exhausted in my bed sometime around three this morning.

2007-01-28T11:41:00.000-08:00

Last night RB took me here for this. Six fights, beers, and a whole lotta yelling. Afterward we went here for heartburn pills - too much beer for RB - and then here for some fat and Pepsi. There goes my no fast food streak. We went back to his house and watched the oh so disappointing Fast and the Furious : Tokyo Drift. Even the promise that Vin Diesel had a small part wasnt enough to keep me interested - til the very end of the fucking movie!, and I ended up falling asleep on his couch sometime around 1:30am. I woke up shortly after 3am and let myself out of his apartment since RB was snoring so loudly, a nuclear blast couldnt have woke him. For the most part, a fun night, but for some reason, still no kissing, cuddling or so much as a hug. He says he's easily scared off. But he's still got a pecker right?

2007-01-27T14:22:00.000-08:00

What does it mean when I make plans with CC and the second RB calls, I ditch CC even though I know RB is going to be a complete girl all night? Whiny, moody, irritable. I hate this shit... Are there any normal guys left?

Well, I guess I can take comfort in this.

2007-01-27T12:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I still haven't decided what to do about boys. Both of them play me hot and cold. I am sick to death of head games and shit. If you like me, like me. If you want my ass, just make it clear. I aint saying I wont give it to you, coz if you're CC or RB I probably would. I mean hey, you're both hot and well, I just sorta roll that way. But if you're into getting me all fucked up in the head and confusing the living fuck out of me - congratulations you've both done swimmingly well with it - then move the fuck on, bitches. Honestly.

Ahh..I feel much better, so lets move on.. So this past weekend I went up to P.C. for all the Sundance hooplah. I spotted a couple celebs, namely Samuel L. Jackson and Shiny Toy Guns at their free show the other night, and for a small little town in freakass Utah, we do aight. Plus, and I am sure PWT will be happy to learn this, I broke through the 200lb. mark this morning so I am super stoked about that.

And excuse me, but when the hell did Justin Timberlake get so fucking sexy? I mean, hell, I did find myself screaming like a little girl at several N'sync concerts back in the day, and the whole SexyBack thing was kinda a given, but daaaaamn. That boy makes me think really, really naughty things. Alpha Dog? Helllloooo. And Fall Out Boy? Come on people. HOT-FUCKING-NESS.

Also caught The Hitcher this week. When did it become ok for a serial killer hitchhiker to be hot as hell? I dunno, but something about that guy...t-a-s-t-e-y! (So Fergilicious, bitches!) And normally I am not into the whole girl on girl thing, it kinda sicks me out, actually, but the girl in that movie is SUPER HOT.

Wow. Why do I feel like this post was about nothing but sex?

The Saga Continues

2007-01-25T14:43:00.000-08:00

Last time we met our paranoid blogger, Just Another Girl, she was thinking about relationships. Why she wasnt in one, why she felt she needed one and so on and so forth. What was in the guys head? she wanted to know. Well, as it turns out, what was in his head was what was in her head. Confused? Me too. Let's dissect this bitch a little shall we, and see if we cant make the water in this situation a little more murky. Ready?

Wednesday night - the night after she made plans with Captain Construction to hang out Friday night, just two short nights away, mind you - our beloved makes plans to hang out with Rocker Boy - taking another stab at the wonderful world of online dating - and yes, by the way, that is a hint of sarcasm you hear in this voice. Rocker Boy is a lot of things. Hot. Tall. Sweet. Funny. Hot. Stable. Hot. Did I cover hot? So Thursday, over she goes to his apartment where they watch two movies and do a litle cuddling on his couch. Shortly after midnight and movie number two, he walks her to her car and gives her a little wink, saying how he hopes to see her again. Thinking he is a nice enough guy and ahem - hot - she is a little stoked when he messages her to make sure she got home safely. Responding back and smiling - because the boy cared enough to make sure she was safe - she shuts off her phone and drifts off to sleep.

Fast forward to the next morning. Upon turning on her phone there are two messages from Rocker Boy. He wants to see her again. Get to know her better. He wants to hang out tonight. But, if you are following this closely - as I am sure you are because this is riveting shit, yo - today is Friday, the very same night she is supposed to go to the movie with Captain Construction. Taking care to make Rocker Boy realize she is dating other people, she tells him that she has plans that night but that they can get together the next day.

Because both have worked all day, she and CC decide to stay in and watch movies instead of going out into the cold. He makes her a yummy dinner or ribs, stuffing and potatoes and they eat and watch tv. He tells her about his day and they laugh over dinner. Still, something is off. There is something between them that cant be named. Clearly, both like the other and clearly there are feelings there as well. There is an air of anticipation that can only be relieved by one thing. Admitting that both are interested in the other enough to let down barriers and walls that are too terrifying to think about. So they just watch tv. Both want to say it, neither dares to.

Thursday: Movies and friends with Rocker Boy. Cuddling. Monday Rocker Boy. Making out. He's into her. She is "amazing". He could " fall for her". Tuesday. More Rocker Bou. More making out. Wednesday. Movies with Rocker Boy. Meets mom and grandma. Sex follows family time.

Skip to today: Rocker Boy is "worried things are moving too quickly." Give each other a chance to miss each other.

Just Another Girl = Confused and Used.

Fuck.

Texting in '07

2007-01-18T11:17:00.000-08:00

I deleted all the stored messages previous to midnight on Jan 1, 2007, so these are all relatively recent. Most of you guys drunk dial? I drunk text, and get some interesting ones in response (please note, any of the midly to very pervy ones were not sent by anyone I'm actually involved in a pervy way with):

"Happy new year! I am sober again! WTF?"
"Luv you sweet tits."
"It was very spiritual. What do I win?"
"Where to? I'm sick and still in my underwear."
"I signed the contract. Wippy."
"I dreamt that you sucked my big toe."
"Fuck yeah!"
"Yep—it-vpn. Look for a pdf."
"Who is this?"

I am going to make more of an effort to post, even if it means stapling my fingers to the keyboard. Not that anyone actually reads this shit.

Paranoia Much?

2007-01-17T16:02:00.000-08:00

Remember when I said I rush into relationships? Yeah, well, I take it back. I run, full-force, balls to the wall, into relationships. So, in the previous post I let you guys in on some pretty juicy info. Well, ok, juicy in the scheme of my life anyway. So, after I wrote that post, things with Captain Construction - thats what I am calling the boy for now, simply because everyone on their blog has a clever name for the people they are dating - took a weird turn. Saturday night we ended up falling asleep on the couch watching CSI at his place. After that it was well past my bedtime and I ended up staying the night. Being the huge freak I am about sleeping in another person's bed - even if they are hot and they've been in my pants - I was seriously hesitant. I just like my own bed, ya see? So anyhow, things went the way that they normally do when two willing, able - and sexually starved person's of the opposite sex are within six inches of each other, in a bed. With the lights off. It was amazing, and I have to say, very nice. The next day we layed around in bed, watching football - something I never do, but enjoyed because he did - I swear! Later that day we dined on Taco de Bell and he took me home around 3pm.

Fast forward three and a half hours. I get this text:

I think we should hold off on the sex for a while. I really dont want you to get hurt. Lets date, have fun and see where this goes, cool?

WTF?

For two days - after I agree to this arrangement, seeing as how I never intended to sleep with him in the first place - I am freaking out, worried that he isnt going to call me Fatal attraction, right? I get all weepy and mopey. Seriously weird. The thing is, most guys just use me for what I can give them and nothing more. So basically, I am stumped over the whole, "I like you but I dont want to sleep with you" thing. I am completely lame. Then, last night he calls. Just to talk. I tell him of some car problems I am having, he comes over to fix my car and I make dinner. I offer him some, he and I eat together and voila! he is beside me on the couch, watching American Idol - a show he previously made known that he detests. He kisses me goodnight on the driveway and asks me if I want to go to the movie Friday night.

...Man, I am such a freak!

2007-01-10T19:52:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't posted on here in like, over a month. I know, I am completely useless. Let's see. Tons of shit has been going on as of late, and by that I do mean tons. Christmas came and went. New Years too. Both were a blast, got to see folks I haven't seen in forevah. Good times and tequila. Perfect combo. Me likey. Ended up having a shit load of pictures of random male asses on my camera New Years Eve, and although I didn't get engaged, I am dating someone. Well, at least I think I am?

See, I tend to rush into relationships. I dunno why. Maybe its because I had an absentee father? Maybe I am just weird. Mostly I think that is a bunch of psychoanalytic bullshit, but whatevs, right? Anyway, whatever the reason, it happens. I rush things. See, I like comfort. I like routine. I like knowing someone is or isn't going to be there for me if things get rocky or fucked up. I crave that. So, I've been seeing this guy for like two point two seconds, we've actually been friends since like July and well, to be honest, I really didn't think there was anything there. Now however, I am starting to feel a tad differently. So much so that we ended up having sex. And it was good. Really good. But now, its like. Okay. What are we? Are we together? Are we friends with benefits? So basically, I am stumped.

So yeah, this is pretty much what occupies my thoughts. Fun times, eh?

2006-12-09T09:47:00.000-08:00

Most of you probably don't know anything about me, I've only been blogging for like a nanosecond compared to a really good friend of mine - and the rest of the world, and she is amazing. I miss her a lot. But, there is one thing that we have in common with each other. We both lost a lot of weight on Jenny Craig. I mean, sure, she is at her goal weight, I am still working on mine, but she looks fabulous and I guess, well, I must admit, I am on my way to looking fab. I guess now that I think about it, she and I have ALOT in common actually. I mean, sure, she has a job in the fashion industry, a hot British boyfriend and she lives in what I am sure has to be one of the coolest cities on the planet, whereas I, still live in the little shit ass town that I have always lived in, am single, boring and I work in an industry that is so far away from fashion that I am not sure what to call it. Did I mention I am still in Utah? The place she left. The bitch. Just kidding, darlin' I love you still.

But really, we do have a TON in common. We are both divorced. Her twice, me once and on my way to the second. Her last EX and my last EX, well, they could have and probably were twins in their other fucked up lives. It all runs so parallel, actually. Its kinda creepy. Our names both start with the same letter, and we grew up literally within 30 miles of each other and what is MORE creepy is that we share the same birthday. And although I have only known her a couple of months, she is probably the funniest person I have ever met. But she always steals my awesome phrases!

Anyway, I don't know why I posted that, but whatevs.

2006-12-06T19:06:00.000-08:00

Today Marshelle, Brad and I booked a cruise to Grand Cayman Islands for September 2007. It is so going to rock. Brad said he'd be happy to have two bitches on the cruise, so we are all sharing a room. If those two want to get it on, I'll leave the room for 15 minutes while they set an egg timer and go to work. That should give me time enough for a drink or two in the bar.

Feeling bloated like a mug today, I am sure its all the shit I have been eating lately. Not literal shit, but you get the gist. Working out has kind of taken a back seat to shopping, work and various parties. It seems like December is always chock full of shit to do. Heh. I totally just used the phrase, "chock full". I wonder what exactly a chock is and just how full is chock full?

So, this week has been super busy. My nephew had surgery on his tonsils Tuesday, and I had to take some papers to the courthouse to get shit finalized for my divorce. Today I was really fucking behind at work, considering I had like the whole day off yesterday and so I had twice the work load today. I still have some left over shit to do tomorrow, but its all good. At least the day will pass somewhat quickly if I am busy. There is nothing worse than having nothing to do but surf the net and read blogs all day. How would that shit be? Tomorrow Ive got some kind of sexual harrassment training seminar to go to for work - in which I believe we will be taught how not to sexually harrass someone - but I could be entirely offbase and there may be a possibility that I could be felt up for the first time in months.

Speaking of boobs, I think I need some new bras. But thats completly off topic for now. I also have a nail appt. tomorrow night, after which, my ass will become fused with the couch and I will enjoy one hour of fine television broadcasting. Saturday and Sunday prove to be busy days with a b-day party and girls night out fondue-style. I am going to completely pork out.

2006-12-03T22:01:00.000-08:00

Ive never really been the type to feel like I need someone in my life to make me whole. I never thought, "Hmmm, a man would sure complete me". But lately, Ive been lonely. Not in a bad way - well, ok its never fun being lonely - but I think its more of a day to day loneliness. By that I mean, Im not all wishing on stars for some man to swoop into my life and make me happy. I am happy. I am happy with my life pretty much all the time. I have been blessed with health, a great family, faith in a God and the ability and freedom to believe on Him as much as I want. I have looks - although I am no beauty queen , I have never suffered the effects of some horrible accident or something. I am smart, I make a good living and I have pretty much every thing I need as far as monetary things go. I come and go as I please and do pretty much what pleases me.

But...I am so very bored and like I said before, lonely. I have some great friends, most of which are either married, in relationships or living in different parts of the country. But where ever I look its couples. This is not to say that I particularly want to be part of a couple. At the moment anyway. I mean, it would be nice to have someone to hang out with, talk to, be stupid with, and not have to worry about all the drama of relationships, but I thnk its just companionship I crave. Whether from a woman or a man, nothing sexual involved, just having someone to hang out with. Even when its my friends, I am singled out. The third wheel, the single rider, the single girl. My only real escape is reading and watching movies. Working out has its advatages, but one can only work out so much in one day. I have an itch to get started on the basement, but with a renter still living down there, its a bit difficult to pop in any old time and start redecorating the place. A girl at work wants to get together and scrapbook. Do I take her up on her offer? No, I havent yet and why? Because I am lame and I want to do something by myself. Why? I dunno. I am lonely, remember? WTF?

I can see myself getting to know the guys at work and going out to the bar with all of them, but something holds me back. Fear? Probably. Why is that I wonder? Am I afraid to be myself for fear they wont like who that person is? Even having lost nearly 70lbs, I still feel slightly less than worth most activities involving letting my guard down long enough to actually have a good time. So I hang out with no one. I have friends with babies. What do I have? Two dogs and a cat that sheds all over my clothes. My blog. Pathetic. Fuck.

2006-11-23T09:50:00.000-08:00

So, today is Thanksgiving, and it doesnt really even feel like it. Right now I am waiting for the eggs to get done boiling for my salad that I am taking to my cousins for dinner. Hmmm, eggs, salad greens and a few slices of shredded carrot does not a salad make. Eh, oh well. It never really gets eaten anyway, its mostly the stuffing, mashed potatoes and pie that go quick. Who needs green salad when all the yummy goodness of gravy drenched stuff awaits? Not me, thats for damned sure! I am eatin gmy fill of pie and anything else I can get my hands on this evening. Maybe even a drop or two of the juice, perhaps? Mmm-hmmm.

So, I heard from Alex, a friend that went off to Iraq for a long while. I actually dont know how long he will be there for, in all our emails to each other, I have neglected to ask him just when it is that he is bringing his ass back from that shit place. I dont think he will be back hee any time soon, I think he's been living in Oklahoma or Georgia or place like that for the last year or more. I dont really know. Anyhow, finally got the whole job switch thing taken care of and so far its pretty good. Ive got more responsibility at this job, but it has its benefits too. Like today and tomorrow for instance, I am not working and I am so getting paid anyway. WOOT! for me!

Still single and kinda loving it. Dating blows goats, and so I havent been doing much of that lately, although I do have a few promising guys I am talking to. So, we shall see. Right now I am more interested in getting the basement ready for paint and new digs. I will post pics as soon as I get the bathroom done, as I am sure you are all just dying to see what an HGTV whiz I am. Right? Right??

Oh shit, my eggs are probably fossilized by now...

Later, porkchops!

2006-10-28T14:39:00.000-07:00

FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE:
1. ShopKo.
2. Arbys.
3. Lifetime.
4. Teleperformance.

FOUR JOBS YOU WISH YOU'D HAD:
1. Writer.
2. Dancer.
3. Crime Scene Investigator.
4. Actress.

FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN:
1. She's the Man.
2. Friday.
3. The Dreamers.
4. Harry Potter.

FOUR CITIES YOU'VE LIVED IN: I suck..
1. Ogden, UT.
2. Roy, UT
3.
4.

FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH:
1. The O.C.
2. American Idol.
3. Isaac Mizrahi.
4. CSI

FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION/TRAVELED TO:
1. All over Montana
2. Columbus, OH
3. Hollywood, California
4. Niagra Falls, New York

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS:
1. Mexican
2. Italian.
3. Chinese.
4. Anything Chocolate.

FOUR THINGS YOU WON'T EAT:
1. Most kinds of fish.
2. Snails.
3. Mushrooms.
4. Brussel Sprouts.

FOUR THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD EAT OR DRINK RIGHT NOW:
1. Diet Pepsi
2. Hot Chocolate
3. Vodka
4. Orange soda

FOUR THINGS IN YOUR BEDROOM:
1. Bed
2. My Cat, Bella.
3. Books.
4. Dog and Cat hair.

FOUR THINGS YOU WISH YOU HAD IN YOUR BEDROOM:
1. A hot boy other than #4 or perhaps, both.
2. A headboard.
3. Tons of clothes
4. Chris Daughtry

FOUR THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Blue Hoodie.
2. Pink and White striped pajama pants.
3. black slippers.
4. pink ring.

FOUR PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
1. England
2. New York City
3. Costa Rica
4. Seattle

FOUR PEOPLE YOU’D REALLY LOVE TO HAVE DINNER WITH:
1. John Candy
2. Dane Cook and Ryan Reynolds
3. Chris Daughtry
4. Rascal Flatts

FOUR THINGS YOU ARE THINKING RIGHT NOW:
1. I need to get my ass of the internet and go work out.
2. I have a birthday party in less than two hours.
3. Feeling kinda lonely.
4. I wish the radio would play Golddigger. I love that song!

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE THINGS:
1. Friends
2. Books
3. Fall
4. New Years Eve

2006-10-26T08:19:00.000-07:00

So, I am another year older today. Its hard to believe that in two years I will be thirty. Yikes, right? All my life I have looked forward to being an adult, having my own space, car, job, money, etc. I have all that now, and even though it feels awesome, I really just want more. Im thinking of going back to school, probably Weber State, just coz its close, and something probably in Sociology or something. I want something that I am going to be able to use when I am done and I would really love to be a mentor for young girls. I want them to know that beauty isnt only skin deep, that everyone is beautiful in their own way and that you dont have to be a size two and 5 foot 5 to be considered normal and acceptable to people. I saw this last night and I couldnt help but wonder, why do we all have such an obsession with being gorgeous? Why is it that we have to paint ourselves up, curl our hair and starve ourselves just to be what society thinks it the norm? Celebrities are thinner than ever and all because they have to be to get jobs. And the sickest part of it all is that our kids are seeing this and thinking that it is OK. That is is how they themselves need to look. I mean seriously, even I fall into that trap. Granted, I was in serious need of losing weight, because I was just really unhealthy, but I look at certain celebrities and people in general and see that they have this or that that I dont and I think how nice it would be to have legs like that or a stomach like that. Problem is, especially if you watch that video above, those things arent real, and in fact, very few people actually acheive the perfect body. And if they are "lucky" enough to get it, they have to kill themselves in the gym 3 to 4 hours a day. I dont know about you, but I work out 30-60 minutes 5 days a week and thats plenty for me.

So all this to say that I want to do something with kids. I really think I want to leave Utah eventually, go someplace where I can be involved in something great, but who is to say that I cant start something up here? I have alway wanted to open some kind of kids camp, where they can lose weight effectively and healthfully and incorporate some confidence building strategies. I want kids to know that they dont have to have alot of money, fancy clothes or be super think to be liked and productive in this world. I wish I would have had that when I was growing up. Anyway, thats my plan.

Later, yo.

2006-10-06T19:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am home alone on a Friday night. All my friends are losers. Actually, I guess I am technically the loser since I am the one sitting home alone on a Friday night. But its ok. Im not mad. Im not even a little sad. I, not even bored. Ok, maybe I am. But just a little bit.

Was going to see if someone wanted to go see the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie tonight, but...no one is free. Was going to see if the fam wanted to hang out but...no one is free. Was going to watch TV...but cable is out. Guess I could pop in a DVD since I really cant think of anything better to do, and Ive already been to the gym. Yeah, its Friday night. I know...

2006-10-05T21:18:00.000-07:00

Its funny - Ive never really been the dating type. I think its probably coz I never really had the self esteem to actually go out with someone. Plus, you know what they say about you get back what you put out there. Needless to say, I never really put myself out there. Since losing 56lbs though, it seems like I am dating more people than I know what to do with...

Right now, I am going to call it "hanging out", which, lets face it - is just a way to date someone without the hurt of rejection or sting of being dumped if its not going particularly well. Anyhow, dated a couple of guys recently. One I know, is sort of just out of a relationship. And there's the whole feeling of rebounds and uncertainty. Eh, I dunno. I just am not sure if its all that deep of a connection. Although the boy is very sweet and cute. Another guy, one that has been out of a relationship for a while, well, we have some stuff in common and we had a pretty nice date the other night...I am just not sure if its anything more than physical. Blah...who knows? I have my share of issues with rejection and shit too. What to do about it? Again, who knows?

Two different friends want to hook me up with two different guys as well. Hmmm...when did I become such a babe magnet and isnt dating several guys at once kind of random and a little overwhelming? I mean really, who needs more than one guy to try and please? My brain hurts.

Night, Porkchops.

2006-10-04T15:43:00.000-07:00

Having a reflective moment here. Allow me to elaborate. Strictly speaking, I think I am a pretty good person. I mean, I have my faults, hell, I have a lot of faults. In relationships, I tend to move too fast, run my engine out of gas, end up disappointed and discarded. Of course, I have done the discarding on occassion. Who hasnt? Yeah, I have my issues, and quite frankly, I used to make excuses for those mistakes. Not anymore. I know who I am - or at least who I want to be - and I am becoming that person. On all levels, I think I am a pretty great person. I have a few attributes that are greater than others, but over all, a nice package, I would claim.

So what makes me so worried about rejection? I dont mean in relationships only, either. I mean, I am smart, funny - some would differ with me on this one - I am loving, kind and pretty nice looking. I am bettering myself every day, but for some reason there is a fear of it not being enough. I will never be thin enough, pretty enough, witty enough, or politically intellectual enough. Enough, enough, enough. Blah...

What is it about the human psyche that produces feelings of inadequacy? Is it our parents fault? The media? It all started somewhere...

I have a picture in my mind of what the perfect woman would be like. The one with the great job, husband, life, house, etc. She would look like Elizabeth Hurley or Charlize Theron, of course. She would get up early with her perfect husband, who by the by looks like Keith Urban or John Travolta, make his lunch, lay out his clothes, and then wake up the kids to get them ready for school, all while looking impeccably beautiful right out of bed, and still be able to keep a neat and tidy house while still working as an executive at some ritzy advertising agency. She would leave love notes in her husbands car and her kids would never have to wonder what Mom was making for dinner, because at promptly 7pm everynight there was always an awesome meal on the table. She would read her kids bedtime stories while wearing designer clothes and she would still have time to make her husband feel like the luckiest bastard in the world by giving him as much sex and attention as phsyically possible.

Here's how I always felt as a wife or girlfriend: Impossibly late with dinner - was the steak cooked right? - Did I look fat in this outfit, was my hair as cute as possible, did I have time to pick up the drycleaning before going to the store? Were my legs shaved? Where did that stain on my pants come from? Hurry home, cant be late, or the questions will start. Was I attentive enough? Should I have faked it? Why is basketball the only thing we ever watch???

Was it just me trying to be super wife? Do guys really expect this of women? Should we expect it of ourselves? In our jobs, do we all feel this same sense of disconnect? Do we really need to be the best at what we do? Can we be? Does it really matter?

2006-09-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

Been wondering about life lately, and thats not to say that I am all sorts of deep and stuff, just been thinking, is all. Really, Ive been thinking about my life in relationship to work, love and relationships in general. Being nice, being mean, being what I think is me. Ive tried hard to be myself, what God wants me to be, what I want to be, while still keeping in mind, its not about me.

Relationships are tough. Especially when youre divorced twice, twenty-seven and living at home with your mom for the first time in almost nine years. Yeah, wrap you head around that one for a sec. Been on a couple of OK dates, some not OK dates and a couple really good ones. Having never really done the whole dating thing before, it can be more than a little nerve wracking. The expectations, the build-up, the anticipation of does he like me or doesnt he? and then the date itsself: seriously and utterly mentally exhausting. What to wear, what not to wear? Then, do we kiss, do we not kiss, do I even want to kiss? Exhausting, I tell you.

Tonight was a great date. Actually, probably the best I have ever been on. Or close. No expectations, no worrying about what to wear - ok, so there was a little worrying there, I am female after all - not wondering, is he going to kiss me, should I kiss him?, etc, etc, etc. Just fun. Dinner, hitting a bucket of balls, something I have never done, and then mini golf. Fun date all in all. A little short, coz he is oh so cute, but fun nonetheless.

Now all I am left wondering is: Is he as in to me as I am in to him???